What To Do If You’re Feeling Underappreciated by Your Partner

In many romantic partnerships, mutual appreciation and acknowledgment form the bedrock of love and trust. But, if you’re feeling underappreciated, it can lead to real emotional distress.

Why this matters: If left unaddressed, this ongoing relationship conflict can even erode the foundation of the partnership.

This  guide covers what it means to feel underappreciated, the impacts on you and your relationship, and actionable strategies people may use to address and overcome this common issue for couples.

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What does it mean to feel underappreciated?

Feeling underappreciated refers to a sense of not being valued or acknowledged for one’s contributions, gestures, or presence.

In a partnership, these feelings can emerge when acts of love or support go unnoticed or unreciprocated, leading to a void of positive reinforcement and a decline in relationship satisfaction. Unappreciated partners often feel a disconnect between their efforts and the feedback they receive.

This emotional dissonance can result in a range of negative emotions, including:

• A lack of motivation to invest in the relationship
• Resentment
• Loneliness
• Withdrawal

If you’re feeling this sense of neglect, it may cause you to become distant and disengaged, potentially seeking solace in work, hobbies, or friendships outside of your partnership. You may also find yourself starting and engaging in more arguments with your partner.

In extreme cases, the feeling of being undervalued may drive a person towards infidelity as they search for validation, appreciation, and emotional connection elsewhere.

It's worth noting: These reactions, while potentially damaging to the relationship, signify a deeper underlying issue that needs to be addressed through open communication, therapy, or couples counseling.

Early recognition of those warning signs allows you to address issues before they escalate into more severe relationship problems or cause even more personal emotional distress. 

Impact on your personal mental health

Feeling unappreciated by your partner can have a considerable impact on your mental health, including:

• Increased stress
• Anxiety
• Reduced self-esteem 
• A negative self-image
• Depression

When seeking to resolve these feelings, it’s vital to also cultivate a robust sense of self-worth that isn’t dependent on external validation.

Why this matters: This can lessen the negative impact of external circumstances and instill a stronger sense of emotional resilience.

Effects on your relationship

The impact of one partner feeling underappreciated can ripple throughout the relationship. It can lead to:

• A breakdown in communication
• A lack of intimacy
• A reduction in the willingness to compromise 

Over time, unresolved feelings of underappreciation can contribute to an emotional disconnection that may be difficult to repair. This is why early recognition and intervention are critical to maintaining a healthy and fulfilling partnership.

Don’t ignore your feelings

Acknowledging that you feel underappreciated is the first step toward resolution. Ignoring or downplaying your emotions can result in them manifesting in harmful ways, such as passive-aggressiveness or emotional withdrawal.

Holding back your feelings to avoid confrontation is not a long-term strategy for a healthy relationship. Instead, it’s important to find constructive ways to express your emotions and collaboratively work with your partner toward a solution.

How to resolve the problem of feeling undervalued

Talk with your partner

Just like with addressing any relationship conflict, resolving feelings of underappreciation often begins with an open and honest dialogue. Here’s how to do just that: 

1. Take some time to reflect on your feelings and identify specific instances where you felt undervalued before you talk so you can express your feelings clearly and specifically.
2. Choose a time when you both are calm and focused, and find a quiet, private place where you won’t be interrupted. This setting helps create a safe space for vulnerability and openness.
3. Start the conversation by sharing specific instances that made you feel unappreciated and how that made you feel. Use ‘I’ statements to convey ownership of your feelings without assigning blame, and avoid using generalizations that can lead to defensiveness.
4. Encourage your partner to express their view on the matter as well. Sometimes, your partner is unaware of the impact their actions — or lack thereof — have on you. 
5. Listen actively to your partner's response by showing empathy, avoiding interruptions, and trying to understand their perspective, even if it differs from yours.
6. Clearly articulate the actions or changes that would help you feel more valued. Be realistic and considerate in your requests, and ensure that they don’t come across as demands (e.g., “You need to do X.”).
7. Approach the situation as a team, discussing the ways you can both contribute to making each other feel valued and appreciated.
8. Agree to revisit the conversation to see how the changes are going. Acknowledge progress and address any ongoing relationship issues during these discussions.

By discussing the issue constructively, you can lay the groundwork for mutual understanding and positive change. In general, you can take this same approach to many other relationship conflicts.

Go deeper: Here's How Couples Therapy Builds Communication Skills

Set boundaries

Boundaries in a relationship are not just about physical space but also about respect for each other’s emotional needs. If certain behaviors consistently make you feel underappreciated, it’s important to set clear boundaries about what is and isn’t acceptable.

For example: You can establish that you won’t tolerate dismissive language when you express your feelings. You can enforce that limit by tabling the conversation if that occurs.

By setting boundaries in a relationship, you not only protect your emotional well-being but also provide the structure within which a healthier relationship can thrive.

Divide responsibilities with your partner

A common source of feeling unappreciated is an imbalance in the distribution of responsibilities. Whether it’s household chores, financial management, or nurturing mutual friendships, an equitable division of labor can help ensure that both partners feel their contributions are valued.

What to do: Sit down with your partner and discuss how to divide tasks based on availability, skill, and preference.

This simple act can reduce the likelihood of one partner feeling overburdened and unacknowledged.

Show your partner appreciation

Especially after you’ve addressed your feelings, it’s important to model the behavior you wish to receive. Even before having that open, honest conversation, expressing your gratitude is a powerful way to start breaking the cycle of underappreciation.

What to do: Find opportunities to genuinely express gratitude for your partner’s contributions each day, no matter how small.

Practice self-care

Self-care is crucial when navigating the emotional complexity of feeling underappreciated. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, whether it’s solo exercise, creative hobbies, or spending quality time with friends.

Why this matters: You’ll affirm your own value and regain self-esteem, allowing you to recognize your worthiness in receiving the love and attention you deserve.

Couples therapy can help with additional support

Sometimes, resolving feelings of underappreciation may require more than personal or interpersonal efforts. Professional help, such as couples therapy, can provide the tools and guidance necessary to work through unresolved issues and emerge with a stronger, more connected partnership.

What is couples therapy?

Couples therapy is a form of counseling designed to help partners improve their relationship. An in-person or online therapist will work with a couple to identify underlying relationship issues, improve communication, and develop strategies for conflict resolution and mutual support.

Benefits of couples counseling

Whether it’s in-person or online, couples therapy offers a structured environment where both partners can explore their feelings and experiences. The therapy process can uncover unspoken grievances, provide a neutral space to discuss sensitive topics, and empower partners with the skills to enhance their relationship.

The benefits of couples therapy extend beyond the resolution of specific issues like underappreciation. Couples often report increased intimacy, better communication, and a deeper understanding of one another following therapy.

How to talk to your partner about couples therapy

You may feel like initiating a conversation about couples therapy with your partner could be unwarranted. It’s important to recognize that it’s not exactly the same as marriage counseling, which typically addresses specific, immediate conflicts within a marriage.

Couples therapy can be a beneficial step for all kinds of couples who want to resolve difficult partnership dynamics by diving deeper into the root causes of relationship issues.

Go deeper: Couples Therapy vs Marriage Counseling: What's the Difference?

You also may wonder about your partner’s reaction or willingness to consider couples counseling. Frame the discussion as an opportunity for growth and an investment in your future together.

Remember: Seeking therapy is not a sign of failure but a proactive step to ensure that both partners are fulfilled and appreciated within the relationship.

Cerebral’s approach to couples therapy

Cerebral’s approach to couples therapy is rooted in evidence-based practices and tailored to the unique needs and goals of each couple.

Knowing that it can be tricky to coordinate two people’s schedules, we offer convenient, online therapy sessions conducted by licensed mental health professionals. You can look for Cerebral's highly-rated couples therapists who offer appointments in the morning, afternoon, evening, or even on the weekend.

Consider this: The cost of online couples counseling can also be more affordable. In the United States, in-person couples therapy sessions can range from $100 to $300 per hour. However, online sessions, which studies show are just as effective as in-person meetings, can cost as little as $65 a session. 

Feeling underappreciated can be a painful and isolating experience. Through honest communication, boundary setting, appreciative gestures, and, if necessary, professional help, you can move past this hurdle and create a more connected and fulfilling partnership.

Whether you’re just starting as a couple or navigating decades of partnership, discover all the ways couples therapy benefits every stage of your relationship.

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