6 Tips for Coping with Things You Can’t Control

When things feel out of control 

No matter who we are, life will inevitably throw challenges our way. Problem-solving is an important skill to figure out strategies for how to improve your situation. But what happens when there is no way to improve the situation — when it’s completely out of your control?

Try as we might, there will always be things in life that we are powerless to control. When you pay close attention, you may realize that the things in life you can’t control occupy a great deal of your mental space. You might find yourself becoming anxious or frustrated by things like poor weather, the traffic, or other people’s opinions. While it’s understandable to be upset by these things, spending too much time ruminating on them can have negative consequences for your mental health.

It’s easier said than done to simply stop thinking about things outside of your control. But there are ways to cope with the stress they cause and protect your mental well-being.

Here, we’ll give you 6 actionable tips on how to cope with things you can’t control.

Recognizing what’s out of your control

It can help to first differentiate between the things that are within your control and the things that aren’t. You may realize that many of the things that cause you to feel anxious are things that are outside of your control.

What other people think

As much as many of us might want to be liked by everyone or have everyone agree with us, unfortunately, one of the main things in life outside of our control is what other people think. No matter how hard you try, you can’t control others’ thoughts. You may be able to influence them and make a good impression – but, at the end of the day, what people think of you, or any other topic, is out of your control.

This can be difficult to deal with for many people, especially if you live with a mental health condition like social anxiety disorder. It’s understandable to want others to think highly of you or to agree with you, especially if they’re important to you. But people choose to form their own opinions regardless of how we may feel about them. And it may not be worth sacrificing your mental health to attempt to control their thoughts.

The past 

Regrets about past decisions and mistakes can make you feel desperate to be able to go back and change past events. You might be plagued with questions about how things could have turned out if you’d made different choices. This regret can be especially overwhelming if you feel like you’ve hurt people in the past. 

Although it’s important to balance self-compassion and accountability for your past mistakes, it’s also important to understand that the past is outside of your control. There is nothing you can do to change what happened in the past — but you can control what you do now.

The future and “what if” scenarios

The future, on the other hand, is — to some extent – within our control. The choices you make today can influence what happens tomorrow. But believing that you’re 100% in control of the future may lead to disappointment, because there are so many factors that are unpredictable and can’t be controlled.

So many of us get caught up in the “what ifs” of the future: What if I never meet the right person for me? What if I get sick? What if I get laid off from my job? While these may be understandable and normal worries to have, they’re largely outside of our control. You can work toward doing what you can today to build a happy future, but there’s nothing we can do to guarantee it.

Environmental and outside factors 

Lastly, we often can’t control outside factors in the environment around us. For example, we can’t control the weather. We can’t control traffic. We can’t control delayed flights, technology mishaps, or a million other frustrating annoyances that happen in everyday life.

These events can be upsetting, especially if they get in the way of our plans. But it’s important to recognize that these are factors that are completely outside of our control. It’s okay to be frustrated by them, but dwelling on them may do more harm than good.

Tips for coping

It’s normal to get upset about these things, even if you know they’re outside of your control. But allowing them to affect your mood or anxiety levels can be detrimental to your overall mental health. 

It’s important to practice self-compassion for becoming upset by things outside of your control — it happens to everyone. At the same time, you can use these helpful strategies to cope when you’re feeling frustrated.

1. Recognize your feelings

It’s rarely, if ever, helpful to punish yourself for feeling frustrated or trying to push these uncomfortable feelings away. Instead, simply try to recognize your feelings. Notice that you’re feeling frustrated and overwhelmed by these scenarios outside of your control. You don’t need to react to the feelings; simply notice them. It can sometimes be helpful to name the emotions as well.

You might be experiencing multiple coexisting emotions. For example, you might feel frustrated, and at the same time feel a sense of peace, acceptance, or even silliness that you’re feeling so frustrated about something out of your control. You might feel a mix of excitement and fear about the unknown future.

Recognizing your feelings is the first step to emotional awareness and self-regulation, which are essential components to social-emotional well-being.

2. Journaling

Writing in a journal can be an effective way to express your feelings about a situation when you know there’s nothing you can do to change it. Journaling has many mental health benefits. Getting your thoughts out on paper can help you avoid rumination, or thinking about the uncontrollable event over and over again. Journaling can also help you process past stressful and traumatic events, even if you can’t go back and change them.

Try to remember to use journaling to combat rumination rather than simply brooding about the situation on paper. Try finding new perspectives as you write. For example, shift the focus of your journal to the things that are in your control, or write to help yourself identify your emotions about what happened without getting stuck on ruminating about it. 

You can even try positive rumination journaling, or writing specifically about more positive aspects. For example, you could write about the best thing to come out of the upsetting situation, or simply write about one frustrating and one happy event each day. One study found that positive rumination journaling was helpful for reducing maladaptive rumination.

3. Practice mindfulness 

Mindfulness originated in ancient Eastern spiritual traditions, but is now used in mainstream Western medicine to combat a wide variety of health concerns — including anxiety. Mindfulness is still highly misunderstood, but in essence, it’s a way to train your brain to stay focused on each present moment, regardless of how painful it may be. 

Mindfulness plays an important role in acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), two evidence-based therapy techniques that may help you tolerate uncomfortable emotions over things you can’t control.

4. Get quality sleep

A big part of coping with things outside of your control is being resilient, or having the ability to bounce back from challenges and stress. The research on what promotes resilience is ongoing, but one important factor is getting quality sleep.

When you get enough restful sleep each night, you’re better-equipped to be able to cope with the inevitable challenges of life, including frustrating situations that are outside of your control. Sleep-deprivation, on the other hand, can make you feel more stressed and heighten your risk for mental health conditions like anxiety and depression.

Experts say that healthy adults need between 7 to 9 hours of sleep each night. If you’re consistently falling short, use research-backed sleep hygiene tips. A cognitive-behavioral therapist may also help you identify what might be keeping you awake at night and work toward addressing it. 

5. Deep breathing

Breathing strategies have been used for millennia to help people reduce stress and have more control over their emotions. One effective breathing technique is deep breathing, also known as belly breathing or diaphragmatic breathing. It works by activating your body’s relaxation response.

Start your deep breathing practice by relaxing your body and closing your eyes if you wish. It can help to place one hand on your stomach, right underneath your belly button, and the other on your chest. Breathe deeply, through your nose and into your belly. Try to imagine filling your body with air, starting with the bottom of your stomach. The hand on your belly, not the one on your chest, should rise.

Hold your breath for a few seconds. Then, slowly and steadily release the air through your mouth. You may make a “whoosh” sound as the air leaves your belly. The hand on your belly should lower.

Repeat this as many times as necessary until you begin to feel calmer.

6. Shift your mindset to what you can control

Lastly, try to shift your focus to what you can control. Real life can be messy, and you’ll likely find that, in most situations, there are aspects of it that you can control as well as aspects you can’t control. 

For example, you may not be able to control what happens in the future 100%. But you can make good decisions today that will set you up for success in the future. On the flip side, making impulsive choices today may have consequences for the future.

In many cases, the aspects that are within your control relate to your own feelings and reactions. You can’t control that your flight is delayed, but you can control how you act toward the airline attendant or demonstrate compassion and try to make the experience as least frustrating as possible for yourself. You can’t change the traumatic event that you went through, but you can be kind to yourself today.

Of course, this is easier said than done, and we can’t be positive about everything all the time. But, as much as possible, try to notice when you’re spending a lot of time worrying about things outside of your control, and reframe your focus to the things that you can do something about.

How professional therapy can support your mental health

If you are constantly facing excessive worries about things that aren’t out of your control, and if these worries are affecting your day-to-day functioning, then it could be a sign of an underlying anxiety disorder. Anxiety can be difficult to deal with, but there are effective treatment methods available that can help. 

A therapist can help you become more aware of when you’re feeling anxious about something outside of your control, and why these things hold so much power. They can teach you new skills and strategies you can use to cope with these uncomfortable feelings, and reframe your thoughts so that you’re no longer focusing on things outside of your control.

With Cerebral, you can connect with a mental health provider who can work with you on a personalized action plan to help you stop overthinking and equip yourself with strategies to use when you’re feeling like life is out of control. 72% of Cerebral clients reported feeling less anxiety after just 3 months of treatment.*

Join Cerebral today!

*Based on Cerebral clients with moderate to severe anxiety and/or depression from 2020-2023.

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